Wishing for Something More

I'm just not feeling it today. I feel so sad inside.

I am grateful for my life, but I want more out of it.

Monogramming it up

Lately I've had a monogram fetish; I don't know what it is, but I'm not apologizing. Last summer up at Swiss Days in Midway there was a booth designated for just that with cute initials that had super cute vintage designs on them. Last weekend I painted a distressed 'B', but I've already got plans to come up with a better 'B'. (B for Bingham, yay!) So on Monday evening I was messing around with a sweet 'H' that I got at Joann's; my intentions were just to paint it an espresso brown but then I came up with another idea.
Take a look:

What do you think? Obivously the idea isn't for everyone, but I'd love some feedback. Do you think anyone would like one for Christmas?

Hit me up yo.

Love,
Hollie

Thanks to G.D.N. (Girl's Date Night)

I wanted to thank the girls who have been spending G.D.N with me! I've had so much fun getting to know all of you, there's never a dull moment. It's really great having a group of people that you can count on and especially ones you really enjoy spending time with.

So far we've enjoyed:

 To come...December 3rd! I can't wait!

Let's keep this going! I really enjoy it. :)

Love,

Hollie

Hypocrisy and me

Jon brought to my attention last weekend that my having a blog is hypocritical of me when I talk about the uselessness of Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter. I understand the similarity between sharing my thoughts and some photographs on Blogspot and those of you who chose to do so on a social network. I understand the similiarity but my opinion is totally different. I don't have 500 friends on here and I'm not checking status updates every two hours. I use my blog as a channel for my energy and thoughts, that's about it. I am grateful for it because I have my own personal journal that won't ever be erased; I'm just not much for handwriting anymore. I wouldn't fret if I lost my three readers (Sarah, Tasi, & Krysten.. I love you) because in a lot of ways this is for me. I go back and read my posts a lot, it's just as theraputic as when I write them.
I have several family members and friends who are attached to a networking account and I don't think any less of them. My opinion of the situation is just that, an opinion. I'm not trying to force anyone else to agree with me or to see my way.
This post is to extend an apology to anyone I may have offended by my previous post. Don't be upset by my opinion. I don't care if somebody finds my having a blog and hating Facebook hypocritical, neither should you.

Love,
me

The Pollution of Privacy

I realize that 90% of our population is now involved, so please don't take this as a personal attack. I read something last week that hit a nerve. Although related in a minor way it got me thinking about our society and what we have become.

• I'm driving down the street and while passing the Moore's Family BBQ & Seafood Restaurant I notice their billboard says "Visit us on Facebook".
• I'm settling in to watch an episode of Sons of Anarchy when a Macy's ad appears and at the end of it they tell me to visit them on Facebook and Twitter.
• My father-in-law's wife runs into me at Wal-Mart and informs me of the family Halloween party coming up; she then tells me I would have known sooner if only I had a Facebook account, then she could have sent me an invite.

I've made it abundantly clear what these three topics have in common. It seems like within the past year, maybe two (I could be mistaken) we have been bombarded publicly with "status updates", "tweets", and the little thumbs up icons asking us if we "like this".


I'm gonna go ahead & dislike this.

It amazes me how quickly we've adapted to social networking; not only are adults spending their lives on the site, now companies are creating profiles and using it as a marketing tool. Look how quickly we began depending on something that was created by a 20 year old college freshman. Are we that senseless and insecure?


Facebook may be free, but I promise you everything comes with a price. Which is where I begin the second topic of this post.


Last week while I was reading the news I came across a story about a young, college going man on the east coast. This man was openly homosexual and had asked his roommate to give him some privacy while he spent time with his partner. He was unaware that his roommate had set up a web cam and was going to broadcast whatever relation the two males were going to engage in. He (being our roommate) then turned to our lovely convenient social networks and broad casted what he was doing and told everyone where they could watch. This happened not once, but twice. Due to technology and our society's sick idea of "acceptance" this young man jumped off the George Washington Bridge on September 23rd and ended his life. I am not positive, but 85% sure that throughout his short life he had to of encountered several acts of ridicule and torment, this act did not stand alone in forcing his suicide but it's probably what pushed him over the edge.


It angers me that this technology has created a disadvantage for many of us. As a society we have lost all sense of privacy and most importantly our younger generations have not learned how to warrant the privacy of others because they have been taught that it is normal to know what your colleagues are doing every minute of the day. That is not normal. In Entertainment Weekly it was written, "How on earth did we stalk our exes, remember our co-workers' birthdays, bug our friends, and play a rousing game of Scrabulous before Facebook?" Has it really come to this? We have caved to the desire to intrude and even worse we allow intrusion. I graduated high school in 2004, Facebook was created that very year; somehow I was able to maintain a healthy adolescence without the convenience of the Internet. We communicated. I didn't even have a cell phone until I was 17 (only because my mother insisted since I started driving), now my 12 year old nephew has one nestled in his pocket. I fear for the future because of what we have already lost.


Save some face, you've only got one. And ask yourself this, how important is your privacy to you? Better yet, how important is it when it comes to the ones you care about the most. For the family of the unfortunate young man who took his life, I'm sure they are feeling how very important their son's privacy should have been right now.

With a bonny, bonny bone that I'll burry for me own...

...in my bonny, bonny bank in the backyard.


So...let me do my very best to explain; this one is going to be hard to put into words. A few weekends ago I was playing games with my siblings and their spouses while the kids watched a movie. The movie they chose was, suprise, Lady and the Tramp. I had not seen this movie since I was somewhere between 0 and 10; I was pleasantly suprised by the thoughts that were present in me as a result of seeing it again. It was taxing to take my eyes away from the television to continue kicking ass in the game, but I was settled once I asked Melanie (my sister) if I could borrow it and she said yes.
Because I had been so young the last time I saw old Jock burrying bones in his backyard upon seeing it again my memory only had one place to take me...my childhood. Memories of my childhood rushed my mind with a vengeance. I can't possibly relive those experiences with you, but what I can tell you is how incredible my young life was. Before I was somewhat grown and had the ability to mess up the innocence my parents had bestowed on me, I was just a little girl who depended on her family. The home my mother and father so delicately crafted for their children won't ever come close to being forgotten. I know that I haven't thanked them enough for the things they have given me. Holidays were always a big deal (and so special),...accomplishments or interests never went unnoticed, numerous vacations together, love surrounded us daily; I can't think of one moment where I didn't feel protected or safe in their presence. I never wanted for anything, a goal I'm positive wasn't easy to reach. In my eyes mom and dad appeared to do this effortlessly. Nothing is ever perfection; I'm not trying to paint an unrealistic picture but who are we kidding, compared to wonderful the tough times are much easier to erase.

It isn't everyday that something so perfectly triggers moments in your life that made you extremely happy. It's not that it had so much to do with Lady and the Tramp, but that was my trigger. I watched it last night and thoroughly enjoyed it, Jim dear. ;) One day I will own a bloodhound just like Trusty and so help me I will name him Old Reliable. I would love to know where my avid love for animals (dogs especially) came from. It was very theraputic and emotional for me to go through the experience of seeing a childhood favorite Disney of mine. If you are aware of something that can trigger a happy time in your life for you, go for it. If you've yet to find that trigger I hope you do someday soon.
It got me thinking about the children I may have someday and how I want their lives to be. There is nothing I want more than to grant my children the life I was so successfully given. I hope that I can be present the way my mother was and even the loving provider my father was. I am so grateful to learn from two amazing examples. In a way this is a tribute to you, mom and dad, for everything you blessed me with. I love you more than you will ever ever imagine. I could not have picked better parents than the ones God chose me for. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have such a tight grasp on family and nothing will ever loosen that grip.
Jon has given me the enlightenment of a new family, one I created and I am forever indebted to him as well. We are just two peas in a pod, exactly; our life is not on a leash. Look there’s a great big hunk of world down there with no fence around it where two dogs can find adventure and excitement, and beyond those distant hills who knows what wonderful experiences. And it’s all ours for the taking, Pige. It’s all ours. I couldn't have said it better myself. Jon and I are our very own version of a Lady and a Tramp. (no pun intended Jonny)

I can't express something I hold so dear, but for your sake I hope that you, darling, can at least relate to whatever I was able to describe.

Love,
Hollie Katina

Love of a Lifetime

Check out our new blog!

http://www.jonandholl.blogspot.com/

I will be keeping both updated so keep following Sweet Surrender too!

Thank you.

Love,
Hollie

I am human and I am wasteful.

Have you ever felt like you are missing something? Was there something you should have done, something you should have said, should you have held onto a moment for longer than you did? This feeling has come over me several times and it’s a hard one to shake. Its like from your earliest memory to where you are now the events in my life surround me and run past me in panoramic view. I can see being a little girl-holding my Daddy's hand while he takes me trick-or-treating, to my teenage quirks and mistakes (or lessons) that have lead me to where I am now. To pivotal moments with my loved ones, moments I’ve lived and would re-live a thousand times over if I could. It’s an overwhelming thought to think about how quickly your life slips through your fingers. Moments come and then they are taken away. Something shattering and life altering could happen to me tomorrow and what would I remember? Would I have done everything in my power to make the days I’ve lived worth while? My mother recently shared with me that a dear friend of hers has been given his last six weeks to live; like I said a few sentences above I’ve felt these emotions towards my life before but when she told me that something clicked. If I were told I had six weeks to live I would ____________ (fill in the blank). Flip out and completely lose myself? That’s the first thing that comes to my mind. Instinct. I can’t tell you what I’d do. You could say I’m grateful-when my life experiences envelope my mind I see beauty. But this is the unanswered question I ask, have I seen? Did I revel in what I was created for, my purpose? It feels almost like time has rushed by and I haven’t had the chance to see. Let me go back and pick up the things I left behind that I should have kept hidden in the box that I call my very own. What moment placed itself right before my very eyes that I completely missed? I want to know. I am human and I am wasteful. I’m always pushing for tomorrow, but what about today? I ask myself all these questions but I have yet to find an answer. I cannot be told, I can only find them. I have seen beauty-golden fields of grain, friendship, green mountaintops so high, never ending rivers going to places they only know about, a child being born, a family so close, the sun shining in my wondrous eyes, the warmth of it on my skin, love, and loss. I fear that I will forget. This nervous thought that I’ve missed something important is triggered in me at the most random of times. I wish I knew, so I could change tomorrow. What am I missing?

Summer 2010 Update

Summer is whizzing by! I can't believe we are nearing the end of July. Jon and I have been enjoying our summer and keeping busy. It has been the best possible year, I couldn't ask for anything greater from our relationship right now. We had a blast on our week getaway to Bear Lake and Jackson Hole over the 4th and after. Now we are taking a break and spending time working around the house. Last weekend we refinished our deck and it looks awesome! I planted some herbs and flowers that look so cute around our house. One day I'll have a big enough yard for a huge garden! We are counting down the days until our Lake Powell trip in September and really just couldn't be happier.

Spending time with eachother, our family, and loved ones is the ultimate best. Happy summer!

Independence!

I hope everyone enjoys their holiday weekend with family and friends; have a safe and memorable time!

Happy Fourth of July!

My 1st business trip in HELL

You think I'm kidding, but I literally went to hell.
Monday I embarked on a business trip for Delta Faucet Company to Carmel, Indiana. Everything was going well until we were nearly a few minutes from landing at the Indianapolis airport; the pilot got on and said "We have been informed they closed the airport for landing due to thunder storms at this time, we have enough fuel to circle the aiport for 45-50 minutes until we get further notice." My heart sank, it had already been a 2 1/2 hour flight and I was exhausted. It was already a late flight, I was supposed to arrive in Indy at 11:56p.m. So we of course circled the airport for about 45 minutes and then the pilot got on again and said, "We are still unable to land at the airport, we are making our way down to Louisville, Kentucky to get some fuel." At that point it was 1:00am, we landed in Kentucky and they wouldn't let us off the plane. There was a coughing child behind me as well as a little girl and her Grandma who wouldn't stop singing the ABC's and loud. Not only was I claustrophobic but I had had it by now. Half an hour later we got the news from the pilot that we were okay to land in Indy so we took off from Kentucky and landed around 2:00am. There was a driver holding a card with my name on it there to take me to the hotel which was...an hour away. I didn't crawl into the hotel bed until 3:30 in the morning; I had to be up for training at 8:30. I spent six hours in training the next day (listening to someone lecture for hours on end is never entertaining), was fed a mediocre lunch and that was it. By the time we arrived at the restaurant for dinner I was starving but also extremely nauseated, I figured the nausea was only food deprivation so I choked down my fetticini which was a ...mistake. I got back to the hotel room and threw up within maybe a half hour. I needn't go into detail but I spent the night on the bathroom floor-I had nothing left in my body; and another sleepless night to boot. I was sure I had to of gotten food poisoning, but after what happened next I think it was the stomach flu. I had to be up at 6am for training, I could barely stand to get ready. I kept having to do one thing at a time and then go lay back down, I was so weak and still so nauseated. After walking outside in the 94% humidity I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day. My glasses actually fogged up, that's how humid it was. Another five hours in training and of course not long after arriving the worst fever in the world came on. My body ached like it never had before, I thought I was going to shatter! Having no meds, I had to suffer through the fever aches and pains the entire time. I left for the airport at 1:00, I go up to check in and get my tickets, and the lady says, "Your flight is delayed due to tornado warnings and at this point it looks like you are going to miss your connection. Your connection is the last flight out of Milwaukee this evening so you might not have a flight until Thursday morning." Body aching, emotions rising, I felt so defeated at that point. If it wasn't one thing after another on this trip! It seems as though everything went wrong. I just said, "ok." turned, walked away and the tears started flowing. Security even confiscated the can of Pepsi I had stowed away in my purse for my upset stomach! Bastards! My options were A: to get on the delayed flight and hope that I could make my connection in the ten minutes they had allotted, or B: to get on the delayed flight, miss my connection and spend the night at the airport in Milwaukee. Get this I was the last person on the connecting flight from Milwaukee to Denver. That's how close it was, I got off the plane and ran to the gate. I felt like Kevin on Home Alone. The flight to Denver wasn't bad, I was able to get some rest and read my book. I was still nauseated so I asked for some sprite to ease my stomach. I arrived in Denver and had a two hour layover, I found a corner and layed on the floor. After the longest 72 hours of my life I arrived in SLC at 10:30p.m...proceeded to get on the wrong shuttle that was going to the wrong parking lot and wasted another twenty minutes of my life on this trip. Finally I got on the right shuttle, got to my car and got home to Jon & my puppies at midnight.

After everything I went through, I came home to this waiting for me:

On the counter was what Jon called my gift of relaxation (hallelujah!). Sweet smelling body soap, the softest loufa known to man, cucumber melon & green tea dove soap, stress & tension relief bath crystals (I had plenty of both!), juicy grape smelling body fizzer ball, & last but not least my favorite flavor of Grandma Sycamore's cookies-fudge chocolate chip. mmmm! To be enjoyed all at once would be dangerous! I carefully picked the coconut scrub, the bath crystals, and the softest loufa known to man. I've never had a better bath at 1 o' clock in the morning. I had to be at work this morning so it wasn't a long lived bath-but those crystals will last me awhile. He also left me this card, the inside caption read "...and still have my heart." He wrote the sweetest message inside and it left me feeling greatly missed and appreciated. Not only did I get all of this but the house was clean as well! Before I even left I was homesick, I missed my family and my home more than words while I was away. It felt like weeks, not only 2 1/2 days. Coming home to our beautiful Utah set a peace within my heart. Thank the Lord for the dry climate & our less than busy lifestyle. I could honestly feel the purity our state portrays in an instant. I am so grateful for everyone I have that I left behind these past few days. It's great having my family nearby and so close at heart.

The only positives from going away were working 47 hours in four days, losing five pounds (hooray for stomach flu!), and the glorious views from the planes (once I caught them). The first photo is of Lake Michigan, it was huge! There is nothing quite like soaring through a blanket of clouds, it's odd looking down on clouds and up at nothing but blue sky. The sun shining through the plane window put me to sleep.

Luckily I have tomorrow off, so I'm planning on spending the weekend catching up on some rest, slowly introducing food to my body again, in the yard, and with my family. Bliss.

80 hours and six flights later, I have returned from hell; it feels so great to be back.

Three years & counting...

Well J and I hit our three year anniversary mark, does that mean we aren't newlyweds anymore? I can honestly say that would make me happy-to me it would mean we made it over the biggest humps in any couple's experience. We have been through so much but it makes our time now so much sweeter. Nothing of true greatness is ever easy...that's what I keep telling myself! ;)

I have such an amazing husband; he is unique to me and to our relationship-that's all that really matters right? I suprised him with a night away the weekend following our actual anniversary ( June 8th ) up to Park City. We enjoyed the drive up, it is always beautiful-we were able to talk and listen to good music, we shopped around at some outlets and had a great dinner at The Red Rock Brewing Co. (try it!) We had a wonderful room at the luxurious Holiday Inn Express (splurging on a budget doesn't exist!) but the room was actually perfect, a jacuzzi suite! We enjoyed sleeping in Saturday morning and making open plans for the rest of our day. We ended up driving into SLC to the Gateway where we had lunch, continued to shop (sO lucky my husband enjoys shopping with me, he always has!) & saw The A-Team. I couldn't have asked for a better time. This anniversary was more special than the rest. I am truly hoping that by the time our next one rolls around that we will either be expecting or have a little one here already! My plan is to have one here already, but nothing ever goes the way it's supposed to so I'm leaving it in the Lord's hands and trying my anxious best to live with that. Needless to say, we had to get out of dodge for a minute to celebrate the last opportunity we may have with just the two of us.

Jon,
Thank you for all you have given me the last seven years of our fulfilling relationship. I am sorry for all the grief I have caused you in the past, but I hope you see that it was worth it to stick through to the end. We will have trials in our future, but I am forever confident that we can get through anything. I have the will to spend the rest of my life with you and I can only dream that you feel the same. (I have a pretty good idea!) I love the way we are together, to name a few-african dances in our kitchen, the endless variety of oddball nicknames we give our dogs and loved ones, & for the nights we set out to get to bed early but spend an hour or more talking and laughing about nothing in particular. I am so comfortable with you and I can't imagine being able to be me with anyone else. For that I am forever indebted to you. I won't get in to much of it because that is private and something that I only want you and I to share as a couple...but in a way this is a tribute to you. To my two readers...I am not afraid to express my love and devotion to my wonderful husband! That good enough for you, babe? ;)

To the last seven and the next 80 more, may we always have what we've gained up until this point.

All my love & forever yours,
Smabs

Meet our little Tula!

About a month ago Jon and I saw a puppy on KSL and acted spontaneously! Within an hour of seeing her online we had her in our arms. Tula would be child #3 for us and what a handful. She has been so much fun and we couldn't have picked a better time, we are getting new carpet in a couple of weeks! haha. At first Attika was reluctant, we'd notice her scuzzing us out of the corner of her eye-man that dog can sneer! But I've noticed the past few weeks that she is playful with Tula and that makes me happy. We took them both to the vet, Tu to get her second set of puppy shots & Atti to get caught up on parvo & rabies. The vet talked me into getting Atti spayed even though a surgery scares the hell out of me-he said it would be beneficial to her in the long run and that's all I can really hope for. Anyone who knows me knows that she means enormous amounts to me. I couldn't live without her, it's funny how pets can become the best of friends. He also said that getting a new dog was a good move-that having a puppy around would breathe new life into Ms. Atti, which I've noticed, and that made me happy too. She is only six years old and the vet said over and over that she isn't old but I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed in the veterinarian office just talking about her getting older. He also broke the news that she's 3lbs overweight-so she's currently on a diet and we're taking nightly walks around the neighborhood. I've just noticed that this post is supposed to be introducing Tula and I'm talking all about Atti!
We really do love the puppy, she is so funny already and I've seen quite the personality sprout from her thusfar. She is the perfect combination-she is playful and fun but she also is the greatest cuddler. I would reccommend a dacshund to anyone that was asking, they are a marvelous breed.

p.s. Wish us luck with the operation-we'll get both of them spayed eventually.

Denicio Del Toro

I don't think I've ever expressed how much I appreciate and love Denice (my mother-in-law). It seems like from day one we made a connection and have been close ever since. She means the world to me and I cherish our conversations the most. I lucked out in the m-in-law department because I consider her a great and close friend. There are times when I just truly miss her and need to go for a visit. (I bet she gets sick of me!) She has such a wonderful sense of humor and I love how open she can be with her children, she isn't afraid to say it and I freaking love that about her. There are some nights Jon and I go over there and we laugh for literally 3 hours long. We've shared a lot throughout the years with one another and I feel even closer to her now that I'm becoming more mature. Her Father passed away last October and I feel his passing has caused her to be spiritual and deep on different levels than she was before. I know she misses him but there isn't a single doubt in my mind that he isn't watching over her with a smile on his face. He raised one incredible daughter. It's a new side to her that I have really enjoyed exploring. The love she has for her children I find in Jon, and that is comforting. I hope to one day mimic some of her techniques when I have children of my own. I'm proud to be called her daughter in law and I'm not looking forward to sharing her with Ryan's one day wife either! (I'll always be her first child by marriage, so nobody can take that from me)I love her so much, I only hope she feels the same!

p.s. She's the babe in the middle. She is so gorgeous and has aged like a butterfly releasing from its cocoon! (inside joke, lol)

Transisting Life

Days go by and with each passing year we become older and more shriveled.

LIVE HAPPILY

Namaste "Let There Be"

Last Monday was my second time doing Bikram (hot yoga) and I think this might be something I'm going to keep up once a week. I've been focusing so much on cardio the past three months-obtaining speed and trying to shed pounds, that a little bit of muscle meditation is necessary. I was always the type of person who was offish towards Yoga, I didn't get it-it never felt like it was something that would do anything to your body. Wow, was I mistaken; I woke up Tuesday morning with an aching sore body! My sister in law introduced me to a neat little place five minutes from my home and the great thing is, it's free! If you don't believe me, check out their website http://www.yogajos.com/. Come support them, it's worth it. In this week's class the instructor asked us to wrap our arms around our body & repeat after her "i love my body." It felt peculiar to me at the time-but it felt good. This coming from a girl who feels like she'll never be perfect-I don't know that I'll ever truly love my body, but I am grateful for its wellness and I should show that appreciation somehow. The two times I've gone have been such a great release-you lose so much water weight (95 degree room temp) and it feels like a release of negative and stressful energy. I've been stressed lately with a troubled mind, so it felt great getting a few of it off my chest through fitness. I'd love to obtain the body of Miranda Kerr or anybody else drop dead gorgeous-but I need to sink down to reality and face the facts. I'll never be a super model OR flawless; but I can be me!

LOVE YOUR BODY.

"The Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you and acknowledges we are the same."

p.s. The constant cardio will continue-and that also feels good at the end of a bad day. Run it off. :)

Couples Retreat

On Friday last minute we decided to go up to Bear Lake with our friends Megan and Austin. We had such a great time. The weather could have been maybe 10-15 degrees warmer and it would have been perfect. Megs and I went golfing with our boys for the first time and they sucked ass-apparently we were bad luck and won't be allowed to go with them again. haha. We got them hooked on tennis and we will be playing a lot more this summer. (They have a court in their backyard, go figure!) Jon made a bunch of amazing food-we watched movies, got in the hot tub, shared stories, and swapped gossip. I love Logan Canyon it is my favorite canyon if someone were to ask. It was weird seeing how undeveloped nature is at this point because of the shitty weather we've been having. No leaves on the trees up there! But I'd call the trip a success and we plan on going again soon.

It was super relaxing. :)

I'm feeling.. out of favor...detested..just blah

I doubt this post will make much sense but I need to get this negative energy out of me somehow. Have you ever felt meaningless in a world full of meaningful people? In our generation we have all this nonsense that began with Myspace and now it's Facebook, Facebook, Facebook. I used to be a part of that society and I'm quite glad to be away from it now. If it were just a means for communicating with acquaintances from your past then I might feel differently about it but it seems like it's a front for everybody. Everyone putting their best foot forward-posting their "best" pictures, showcasing their "best" moments in time. A bunch of posers, I guess it sort of bothers me that people out there feel the need to share all of these moments with people they wouldn't talk to or care about if it weren't for these networks that make it so easy. It's sort of ridiculous how much time people spend on there and especially the variation of age levels-shouldn't your life count for much more than Facebook status, who wrote on your wall, or what picture you have posted on your profile? When I'm 40 something with children I know that I'm going to invest my time in them and not a website. But it's almost like a double edged sword with me-I also hate that because I choose not to share parts of me with the world that I feel less significant or that I'm probably not searched for or missed. I'm just having a downer moment, it'll pass. Life is strange and it's hard to steer away from routine. I always want so much out of life and to share as much as I can of my REAL life, it's why I contribute the way I do on here. But sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. Is it really that important to be seen? I guess that's where I draw a fine line. I am happy within my life, I have everything I want and need. I feel loved and important to my family and that should be sufficient, but sometimes it's just not. Help.

Models for a Day

The weather has been so nice and I knew that Tuesday would be our last day of it this week (thanks horrid rain) so I wanted to get out. I drug my sister in law out with me to take some pictures. We found a few spots mostly out west; a couple of old rickety barns and a deserted road in Willard. Sarah and I had such a fun time last night, at first we were a little uncomfortable in our own skin but then we loosened up. I am embaressed to have my picture taken next to this girl, she is so beautiful. What I wouldn't do for her gorgeous purity. We have spent a lot of time together lately and I'm thrilled to say we have accomplished an even closer relationship in just the past few weeks. I love her so much. :)

Her blue eyes make my blue eyes look green!
We can't all have long golden locks of hair Sarah...
We had to fight for this carousel, don't judge us.
We can't all be models (well Sarah can) but we can always try. It killed some time. lol.

His words couldn't have been truer...

To be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e e cummings

Summer days, summer nights

Your light bleeds through my windows

Like fingers, your light crawling across my floor

the perfect spot for Atti to snore

I'm warm when you're around me

I'm cold when I'm without

The clouds, they try to hide you

but behind them you tend to shout
My face uplifted

with cheeks sunkissed

If you were to go away forever

From me you would be truly missed
Underneath you I turn to bronze

underneath you, green becomes my lawn

Flowers, Bees, Butterflies, & the leaves on our trees

How I wish you'd present yourself-

Screw grey and the cold, where's my vitamin D?

Memories I keep

at your best with this radiance on me

When I'm fast asleep

I dream of the days I've seen.

I do not know what it is about you that closes and opens

Only something in me understands

The voice of your light is deeper than all roses.

Reflection.

We are all just rats in a maze. Released into this world without direction-knowing only one thing-inevitably we must reach our end. Some of us terror and stay in one spot, others rush past searching for this other side but they get lost, and then there's the rest...the rest of us who take our time, we over-think and carefully chart our next move. Each rat will reach their end in one way or another. Those that cower will die without experience-they will have never seen what beauty could lie around the next corner, the lost rat will suffer the anxiety of knowing they set out with high expectations but remain lost dying in a dead end somewhere, and the rest of us; though we might reach the finish, would we have had time to notice what we were passing by? Or would we have been too consumed in thought with only that one purpose in mind-how do I get there and which way is the right way? I wonder…does the right way even matter? For all of us the outcome is the same, we are going to die; it’s our test, but it’s our decision to figure what we will experience until we do.

Mice are much cuter than rats, I’m a girly girl, I don’t want a thick long tail-or greasy black fur. I’d rather be one of those cute little mice with brown fur & little beady eyes. So pretend for a second that you’re this mouse. In your world you search for food & you collect things for your nest. You’ll scamper through the streets picking up garbage left behind, bits of thread, twigs; you’ll need something soft like a piece of fabric torn off of a jacket or a dirty, solitary sock for comfort. You will separately carry all of these things back to your hole and make what you can of it. You will mate, reproduce, then your children will grow and scurry away & you will remain in your hole with your collections, surviving on whatever food you can find. Once the mouse grows old and dies, soon the collections you’ve kept your entire life will be carried away by the wind and none other than your family will ever know what those things meant to you or how hard you worked to gain them.

If you think about it we are not that much different from the mouse. We build a life for ourselves by working so we can own things, different from the mouse; we buy what we collect. The things we own (or are working to own) surround our families-but when we’re gone things we cherished will be divided amongst our close relatives or in figurative words become dust and fly away with the wind.

It’s awfully depressing but I can’t help but consider what the point is. I love my home and I have an entire closet full of things I’ve collected throughout my life that typically only have meaning to me, clutter really. The things and the people that are important to me I will continue to collect and keep. Back to the rats in a maze, you’ve got to see it really doesn’t matter what you do with your life. Whatever race you are, religion you follow, your marital status, hobbies you have, talents you possess, mistakes you make, whether you’re rich & famous, gorgeous or not- it does not matter because the outcome for all of us is the same. You can’t dwell on what you don’t have; it’s just a waste of your time. The only thing that will change is this experience until you draw to a close. We’ve all been given a chance to live, so live- exist! If you’re scared to live you’ll never see the beauty of it all, if you drown yourself in high expectations you’ll die unhappy in a dead end, and if you spend too much time practicing perfect & over thinking your decisions you’ll miss out on what really matters.

If I were dropped in a maze, I’d walk slow seeing everything around me, and take it all in.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

My blogs are always deep and too thought full so it's time I talked about a light and airy topic. Here I go...to laugh; laughter:
1. make sounds expressing amusement to make sounds from the throat while breathing out in short bursts or gasps as a way of expressing amusement.
2. bring somebody to state by laughing to cause somebody or yourself to be in a particular state by laughing.
3. ridicule to make scornful fun of somebody or something.

In case you never knew the definition of laughter, I’ve been polite enough to share that with you. Which description makes more sense to you?

There have been several scientific studies throughout the course of our existence in order to present reason behind what makes a human laugh; of course throughout my study for this project I wasn’t able to find an answer. Contrary to folk wisdom, most laughter is not about humor; it is about relationships between people. When I think about the things that make me laugh I reflect on conversations I’ve had with others and silly things that just make me smile.

Going back to my question above, the description that makes the most sense to me is the third, ridicule-to make scornful fun of somebody or something. Now don’t for a minute think I’m wicked or condescending, I’d never make fun of somebody to their face or in a way that would damage them or hurt them incredibly. That isn’t my gain for laughter; (i.e. the other day my boss had nearly a half a head of lettuce stuck in his teeth & I just giggled about it and let it stay there during our meeting) those types of things are just funny to me. It might seem rude to you, but here I don’t have to be nice-just honest.

Comedy Based Films It’s easy to laugh at somebody who’s been directed to make other’s laugh especially having time to practice and several people standing around to give you tips, writers etc. When I think of the movies I laugh out loud at it’s usually not outward humor that catches me. I’m a very detail oriented person and I tend to watch every specific part of a movie, hence why I despise anybody who talks during a movie or makes rumpus that is distracting for me. Hidden humor or hilarity you have to watch for or really catch up on makes me laugh. Two amazing examples are Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, way to go Edgar Wright.

Stand Up I don’t laugh at stupidity. Nothing about that gets a rise out of me. I love droll sarcasm and facial expressions play a big part. It’s also great to build off of the energy of that person. For example Dane Cook moves around his entire stage and pulls you into him by funny gestures or somehow reliving the story he’s telling you. For me it makes it that much more personal and real. For those of you that are Ogden-based and are aware of Wise Guys Comedy Club, one of my favorite comedians to go watch there is Dave Metcalf. He has a minor handicap that is unfortunate but he is able to positively take his misfortune and make you laugh. You’ll notice some that are sweating to make you laugh, their gig is forced. For people like Dane & Dave it’s just natural.

Accidental Pain I, like many many others, find someone stubbing their toe, tripping on carpet, or slipping off of a diving board very amusing. The very best place to find something like this is on America’s Funniest Home Videos, their 30 second segments kill me. When somebody is smiling at the camera saying “Look at me, look at me!” and then does something so incredibly embarrassing-you HAVE to laugh at that. They can’t undo what they’ve done, so it’s best to smile about it. I hope nobody ever gets seriously hurt, but a few scrapes and bruises by no means ever killed anybody.

Everything Random I find random irresistible. Lately a lot of my giggles derive from pranks played around the office. We have a wall here where they’ve measured family members and past employees (height). Somehow my boss’ daughter was 6’4 @ the age of six then shrunk significantly to about 5’8 in 1999. (It’s the absolute best when somebody notices Shay shrunk) In my boss’ office there’s a single jelly bean placed on one of his picture frames, my co-worker is constantly paranoid that someone is sitting at her desk-snooping through her things so one boring Friday afternoon I sprinkled cracker crumbs all over her desk and left a single cracker with only one bite taken out of it in her drawer. She was disgusted on Monday. Am I crazy or is that shit not side-splitting?

Imagination The key to a vivid imagination is just to actually have one. This category and ‘everything random’ sort of go together. Take a tape measure for example, if it was locked on 2 ½ inches- think of all the things that could be measured at that length. If you’re a box you’ll be literal, if not you’ll imagine someone measuring their big toe. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s funny. But this is where being an individual comes into play. Like the scientists who've performed several studies-I can’t tell you what will make you laugh, only what does it for me. The greatest thing about imagining something that will make you laugh is there are no limits. Run with it.

Relationships filled with Laughter I think it’s easiest to get along with somebody who mirrors your personality in almost every way. Opposition is endearing, but somebody who thinks like me, that’s the person I want to talk to and form a true bond with. If any example I’ve given you today has made you snicker or smile in even the tiniest bit, you and I will get along. My brother and I have a great relationship this way, we find the most random things funny and we are able to laugh until we cry about something we’ve completely imagined. I could give you numerous examples, but you just wouldn’t understand. I’m not hoping for you to understand entirely, just to relate. So if I’ve accomplished that then I’m golden.

Instead of being so serious all the time, take a moment to smile, to laugh. You don’t have to have an explanation or an excuse. Sometimes laughing to yourself is the best thing. So I’ll ask you this…what makes you laugh? Think about it.

THIS BOAT IS OBVIOUSLY SINKING!!!

Breathe . Take in lots of air and then spit it out.

I'm tired of letting others impinge on my heart. I am so proud of who I am, mistakes and all. My feelings have been hurt too much by people that I invest so much time and effort into; I guess you could say I'm sort of putting a wall up. I deserve that kind of protection and inevitably it'll save myself and everyone around me a lot of heartache and bother. It's a new decade and a new me, I'm going to maintain a mature outlook on life and for those around me. I also can't expect any entity to be something they're not.

I pride myself as being someone who has never lashed out or spoken bad-mannered words to a person I care about. I never intentionally hurt or make fun of. I'll think it (I'm human), but I always hold it inside, where I keep a lot of things. But I'm done holding unneccesary emotion inside, it's only bruising my soul.

Sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me because I'll never be perfect; I know that. You are safe with me, because I am going to move forward with love. Only love.

Go me!

First vAcation of 2010

We spent a couple of overnighters up in Bear Lake two weekends ago. It wasn't freezing but yowzer's it was cold. My sis & her family weren't able to come :(, but my brother's family and my parents came up with us. We hung out in our conzy condo, watched movies, played games, we took our four-wheeler down to the icy lake, and also did some rad tubing at the golf course. One night my dad shared a bunch of stories from his childhood-cherry bombs and messing with the neighbors, it opened him up so much more for me and I'll remember it forever. I can't wait to go back up, I'm thinking sometime in February after my birthday. I'm suprised at how fast time is already going, we're through with January; February is always so short (even though it's only lacking a couple of days) so before we know it spring will be here. This I'm happy for. But until then...if it's going to snow, just snow already so we can get it over with! If it were up to me it'd stop snowing now until next winter, but I know we need the water so let's get on with it!

The Beautiful catails

I'm standing on top of the lake right now!

Where the waves froze. It was so awesome.

Tubing with the little ones, Kin, Cam, & Code.

Jon and I on the tube.