I am human and I am wasteful.

Have you ever felt like you are missing something? Was there something you should have done, something you should have said, should you have held onto a moment for longer than you did? This feeling has come over me several times and it’s a hard one to shake. Its like from your earliest memory to where you are now the events in my life surround me and run past me in panoramic view. I can see being a little girl-holding my Daddy's hand while he takes me trick-or-treating, to my teenage quirks and mistakes (or lessons) that have lead me to where I am now. To pivotal moments with my loved ones, moments I’ve lived and would re-live a thousand times over if I could. It’s an overwhelming thought to think about how quickly your life slips through your fingers. Moments come and then they are taken away. Something shattering and life altering could happen to me tomorrow and what would I remember? Would I have done everything in my power to make the days I’ve lived worth while? My mother recently shared with me that a dear friend of hers has been given his last six weeks to live; like I said a few sentences above I’ve felt these emotions towards my life before but when she told me that something clicked. If I were told I had six weeks to live I would ____________ (fill in the blank). Flip out and completely lose myself? That’s the first thing that comes to my mind. Instinct. I can’t tell you what I’d do. You could say I’m grateful-when my life experiences envelope my mind I see beauty. But this is the unanswered question I ask, have I seen? Did I revel in what I was created for, my purpose? It feels almost like time has rushed by and I haven’t had the chance to see. Let me go back and pick up the things I left behind that I should have kept hidden in the box that I call my very own. What moment placed itself right before my very eyes that I completely missed? I want to know. I am human and I am wasteful. I’m always pushing for tomorrow, but what about today? I ask myself all these questions but I have yet to find an answer. I cannot be told, I can only find them. I have seen beauty-golden fields of grain, friendship, green mountaintops so high, never ending rivers going to places they only know about, a child being born, a family so close, the sun shining in my wondrous eyes, the warmth of it on my skin, love, and loss. I fear that I will forget. This nervous thought that I’ve missed something important is triggered in me at the most random of times. I wish I knew, so I could change tomorrow. What am I missing?