Feeling/Being Alone Sucks!

I'm feeling particularly alone right now. I can't remember the last time I felt this way; I mean of course there are times when you find yourself alone-and it can be refreshing...but right now I'm just feeling simply alone. I can't help but express the sadness I'm feeling on the inside right now.
I ran into Brian, an old friend of Jon’s, and mine this evening at Wal-Mart. We see each other now and again-its always just a "Hey, how are you? How about this weather..." kind of deal. But tonight seemed somewhat different. I could tell he was flustered over something, and I too wanted to reach out and confess what I'm going through. One thing struck me as odd-he held his arms out for a hug. This is something I think we only did on the day of my wedding (he and I). Regardless we embraced and then I asked him about his life and how things were going-he said rough. Plain and simple. How ironic is it that his explanation matched mine perfectly? I replied with the same answer to the same question. I tried to dig a little bit deeper to see what was so "rough" (that's me, I'm always a helper, always concerned) but all I got from him was this "...LIFE, you know Holl? life.." He then raised his arm in front of me and made the roller coaster motion. It's amazing how one-worded answers can sometimes have the most meaning behind them. For Brian's sake I hope he gets through his "rough" patches and comes out on top.

Even seeing just one other person in distress helped me to realize that my problems and failures might not always be as bad as I make them out to be. I've always been a dramatic when my life isn't p.e.r.f.e.c.t. (Or when it’s currently on the down side of my very own personal roller coaster). Although I know I'm not the only one with problems, I'm also only focused on MY problems right now. It's so hard not to just spill my guts to anyone and everyone. I can feel myself reaching out even to those I don't see that often (Brian) or know that entirely well. What's worse is that if I were asked to spill it, I don't know that I'd even make sense. My heart aches, my body is tense, my eyes are tired, my stomach is never hungry, and god damnit my feet hurt. I'm tired of this. I want everything bad to just go away...find another home to live in because my body doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Thanks for stopping by. Ugh! Why can't it just be that easy?

I know I'm not perfect. No one is, we all must admit that we each have our own skeletons tucked away in their famous closets. I'm tired of not being given the benefit of the doubt...even though I've made my fair share of mistakes; I'm not a bad person. I will always hold my family and friends dear to my heart. (Family-most importantly...to be honest most friends suck) But even so, regardless of any decisions or mistakes any of them might make I will always support them and be there for them. I don't view it as a defect; the way I care is definitely a quality. There are times that I'm taken advantage of because of this, it hurts, but oh well life (there's that word again) goes on.

Bottom line is such. I'm ready to find my happiness. I feel it in my heart, the minor influences I have in life or something that comes along that I might want, isn't worth what I know my true happiness can be. I've been clouded for a long time now, and slowly but surely I'm beginning to see what's important. I'm still so young; I'm growing, I'm learning. I've gone through some of my first major twists and loops on this ride and even though I know there will be more up ahead and it'll be scary-I will better prepare myself. My reaction might still be the same but I will hold on a little tighter...keep my eyes shut tight and push my way through to the upright and less bumpy part of this ride of my life. Hopefully the outcome at my finish will be so fulfilling that I'll be ready to jump back on and ride it all over again.