Couples Retreat

On Friday last minute we decided to go up to Bear Lake with our friends Megan and Austin. We had such a great time. The weather could have been maybe 10-15 degrees warmer and it would have been perfect. Megs and I went golfing with our boys for the first time and they sucked ass-apparently we were bad luck and won't be allowed to go with them again. haha. We got them hooked on tennis and we will be playing a lot more this summer. (They have a court in their backyard, go figure!) Jon made a bunch of amazing food-we watched movies, got in the hot tub, shared stories, and swapped gossip. I love Logan Canyon it is my favorite canyon if someone were to ask. It was weird seeing how undeveloped nature is at this point because of the shitty weather we've been having. No leaves on the trees up there! But I'd call the trip a success and we plan on going again soon.

It was super relaxing. :)

I'm feeling.. out of favor...detested..just blah

I doubt this post will make much sense but I need to get this negative energy out of me somehow. Have you ever felt meaningless in a world full of meaningful people? In our generation we have all this nonsense that began with Myspace and now it's Facebook, Facebook, Facebook. I used to be a part of that society and I'm quite glad to be away from it now. If it were just a means for communicating with acquaintances from your past then I might feel differently about it but it seems like it's a front for everybody. Everyone putting their best foot forward-posting their "best" pictures, showcasing their "best" moments in time. A bunch of posers, I guess it sort of bothers me that people out there feel the need to share all of these moments with people they wouldn't talk to or care about if it weren't for these networks that make it so easy. It's sort of ridiculous how much time people spend on there and especially the variation of age levels-shouldn't your life count for much more than Facebook status, who wrote on your wall, or what picture you have posted on your profile? When I'm 40 something with children I know that I'm going to invest my time in them and not a website. But it's almost like a double edged sword with me-I also hate that because I choose not to share parts of me with the world that I feel less significant or that I'm probably not searched for or missed. I'm just having a downer moment, it'll pass. Life is strange and it's hard to steer away from routine. I always want so much out of life and to share as much as I can of my REAL life, it's why I contribute the way I do on here. But sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. Is it really that important to be seen? I guess that's where I draw a fine line. I am happy within my life, I have everything I want and need. I feel loved and important to my family and that should be sufficient, but sometimes it's just not. Help.

Models for a Day

The weather has been so nice and I knew that Tuesday would be our last day of it this week (thanks horrid rain) so I wanted to get out. I drug my sister in law out with me to take some pictures. We found a few spots mostly out west; a couple of old rickety barns and a deserted road in Willard. Sarah and I had such a fun time last night, at first we were a little uncomfortable in our own skin but then we loosened up. I am embaressed to have my picture taken next to this girl, she is so beautiful. What I wouldn't do for her gorgeous purity. We have spent a lot of time together lately and I'm thrilled to say we have accomplished an even closer relationship in just the past few weeks. I love her so much. :)

Her blue eyes make my blue eyes look green!
We can't all have long golden locks of hair Sarah...
We had to fight for this carousel, don't judge us.
We can't all be models (well Sarah can) but we can always try. It killed some time. lol.

His words couldn't have been truer...

To be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e e cummings

Summer days, summer nights

Your light bleeds through my windows

Like fingers, your light crawling across my floor

the perfect spot for Atti to snore

I'm warm when you're around me

I'm cold when I'm without

The clouds, they try to hide you

but behind them you tend to shout
My face uplifted

with cheeks sunkissed

If you were to go away forever

From me you would be truly missed
Underneath you I turn to bronze

underneath you, green becomes my lawn

Flowers, Bees, Butterflies, & the leaves on our trees

How I wish you'd present yourself-

Screw grey and the cold, where's my vitamin D?

Memories I keep

at your best with this radiance on me

When I'm fast asleep

I dream of the days I've seen.

I do not know what it is about you that closes and opens

Only something in me understands

The voice of your light is deeper than all roses.

Reflection.

We are all just rats in a maze. Released into this world without direction-knowing only one thing-inevitably we must reach our end. Some of us terror and stay in one spot, others rush past searching for this other side but they get lost, and then there's the rest...the rest of us who take our time, we over-think and carefully chart our next move. Each rat will reach their end in one way or another. Those that cower will die without experience-they will have never seen what beauty could lie around the next corner, the lost rat will suffer the anxiety of knowing they set out with high expectations but remain lost dying in a dead end somewhere, and the rest of us; though we might reach the finish, would we have had time to notice what we were passing by? Or would we have been too consumed in thought with only that one purpose in mind-how do I get there and which way is the right way? I wonder…does the right way even matter? For all of us the outcome is the same, we are going to die; it’s our test, but it’s our decision to figure what we will experience until we do.

Mice are much cuter than rats, I’m a girly girl, I don’t want a thick long tail-or greasy black fur. I’d rather be one of those cute little mice with brown fur & little beady eyes. So pretend for a second that you’re this mouse. In your world you search for food & you collect things for your nest. You’ll scamper through the streets picking up garbage left behind, bits of thread, twigs; you’ll need something soft like a piece of fabric torn off of a jacket or a dirty, solitary sock for comfort. You will separately carry all of these things back to your hole and make what you can of it. You will mate, reproduce, then your children will grow and scurry away & you will remain in your hole with your collections, surviving on whatever food you can find. Once the mouse grows old and dies, soon the collections you’ve kept your entire life will be carried away by the wind and none other than your family will ever know what those things meant to you or how hard you worked to gain them.

If you think about it we are not that much different from the mouse. We build a life for ourselves by working so we can own things, different from the mouse; we buy what we collect. The things we own (or are working to own) surround our families-but when we’re gone things we cherished will be divided amongst our close relatives or in figurative words become dust and fly away with the wind.

It’s awfully depressing but I can’t help but consider what the point is. I love my home and I have an entire closet full of things I’ve collected throughout my life that typically only have meaning to me, clutter really. The things and the people that are important to me I will continue to collect and keep. Back to the rats in a maze, you’ve got to see it really doesn’t matter what you do with your life. Whatever race you are, religion you follow, your marital status, hobbies you have, talents you possess, mistakes you make, whether you’re rich & famous, gorgeous or not- it does not matter because the outcome for all of us is the same. You can’t dwell on what you don’t have; it’s just a waste of your time. The only thing that will change is this experience until you draw to a close. We’ve all been given a chance to live, so live- exist! If you’re scared to live you’ll never see the beauty of it all, if you drown yourself in high expectations you’ll die unhappy in a dead end, and if you spend too much time practicing perfect & over thinking your decisions you’ll miss out on what really matters.

If I were dropped in a maze, I’d walk slow seeing everything around me, and take it all in.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

My blogs are always deep and too thought full so it's time I talked about a light and airy topic. Here I go...to laugh; laughter:
1. make sounds expressing amusement to make sounds from the throat while breathing out in short bursts or gasps as a way of expressing amusement.
2. bring somebody to state by laughing to cause somebody or yourself to be in a particular state by laughing.
3. ridicule to make scornful fun of somebody or something.

In case you never knew the definition of laughter, I’ve been polite enough to share that with you. Which description makes more sense to you?

There have been several scientific studies throughout the course of our existence in order to present reason behind what makes a human laugh; of course throughout my study for this project I wasn’t able to find an answer. Contrary to folk wisdom, most laughter is not about humor; it is about relationships between people. When I think about the things that make me laugh I reflect on conversations I’ve had with others and silly things that just make me smile.

Going back to my question above, the description that makes the most sense to me is the third, ridicule-to make scornful fun of somebody or something. Now don’t for a minute think I’m wicked or condescending, I’d never make fun of somebody to their face or in a way that would damage them or hurt them incredibly. That isn’t my gain for laughter; (i.e. the other day my boss had nearly a half a head of lettuce stuck in his teeth & I just giggled about it and let it stay there during our meeting) those types of things are just funny to me. It might seem rude to you, but here I don’t have to be nice-just honest.

Comedy Based Films It’s easy to laugh at somebody who’s been directed to make other’s laugh especially having time to practice and several people standing around to give you tips, writers etc. When I think of the movies I laugh out loud at it’s usually not outward humor that catches me. I’m a very detail oriented person and I tend to watch every specific part of a movie, hence why I despise anybody who talks during a movie or makes rumpus that is distracting for me. Hidden humor or hilarity you have to watch for or really catch up on makes me laugh. Two amazing examples are Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, way to go Edgar Wright.

Stand Up I don’t laugh at stupidity. Nothing about that gets a rise out of me. I love droll sarcasm and facial expressions play a big part. It’s also great to build off of the energy of that person. For example Dane Cook moves around his entire stage and pulls you into him by funny gestures or somehow reliving the story he’s telling you. For me it makes it that much more personal and real. For those of you that are Ogden-based and are aware of Wise Guys Comedy Club, one of my favorite comedians to go watch there is Dave Metcalf. He has a minor handicap that is unfortunate but he is able to positively take his misfortune and make you laugh. You’ll notice some that are sweating to make you laugh, their gig is forced. For people like Dane & Dave it’s just natural.

Accidental Pain I, like many many others, find someone stubbing their toe, tripping on carpet, or slipping off of a diving board very amusing. The very best place to find something like this is on America’s Funniest Home Videos, their 30 second segments kill me. When somebody is smiling at the camera saying “Look at me, look at me!” and then does something so incredibly embarrassing-you HAVE to laugh at that. They can’t undo what they’ve done, so it’s best to smile about it. I hope nobody ever gets seriously hurt, but a few scrapes and bruises by no means ever killed anybody.

Everything Random I find random irresistible. Lately a lot of my giggles derive from pranks played around the office. We have a wall here where they’ve measured family members and past employees (height). Somehow my boss’ daughter was 6’4 @ the age of six then shrunk significantly to about 5’8 in 1999. (It’s the absolute best when somebody notices Shay shrunk) In my boss’ office there’s a single jelly bean placed on one of his picture frames, my co-worker is constantly paranoid that someone is sitting at her desk-snooping through her things so one boring Friday afternoon I sprinkled cracker crumbs all over her desk and left a single cracker with only one bite taken out of it in her drawer. She was disgusted on Monday. Am I crazy or is that shit not side-splitting?

Imagination The key to a vivid imagination is just to actually have one. This category and ‘everything random’ sort of go together. Take a tape measure for example, if it was locked on 2 ½ inches- think of all the things that could be measured at that length. If you’re a box you’ll be literal, if not you’ll imagine someone measuring their big toe. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s funny. But this is where being an individual comes into play. Like the scientists who've performed several studies-I can’t tell you what will make you laugh, only what does it for me. The greatest thing about imagining something that will make you laugh is there are no limits. Run with it.

Relationships filled with Laughter I think it’s easiest to get along with somebody who mirrors your personality in almost every way. Opposition is endearing, but somebody who thinks like me, that’s the person I want to talk to and form a true bond with. If any example I’ve given you today has made you snicker or smile in even the tiniest bit, you and I will get along. My brother and I have a great relationship this way, we find the most random things funny and we are able to laugh until we cry about something we’ve completely imagined. I could give you numerous examples, but you just wouldn’t understand. I’m not hoping for you to understand entirely, just to relate. So if I’ve accomplished that then I’m golden.

Instead of being so serious all the time, take a moment to smile, to laugh. You don’t have to have an explanation or an excuse. Sometimes laughing to yourself is the best thing. So I’ll ask you this…what makes you laugh? Think about it.

THIS BOAT IS OBVIOUSLY SINKING!!!

Breathe . Take in lots of air and then spit it out.

I'm tired of letting others impinge on my heart. I am so proud of who I am, mistakes and all. My feelings have been hurt too much by people that I invest so much time and effort into; I guess you could say I'm sort of putting a wall up. I deserve that kind of protection and inevitably it'll save myself and everyone around me a lot of heartache and bother. It's a new decade and a new me, I'm going to maintain a mature outlook on life and for those around me. I also can't expect any entity to be something they're not.

I pride myself as being someone who has never lashed out or spoken bad-mannered words to a person I care about. I never intentionally hurt or make fun of. I'll think it (I'm human), but I always hold it inside, where I keep a lot of things. But I'm done holding unneccesary emotion inside, it's only bruising my soul.

Sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me because I'll never be perfect; I know that. You are safe with me, because I am going to move forward with love. Only love.

Go me!